The Forms
by Maya-chan2007
Summary: ...Because, after all, S.H.I.E.L.D. is still a bureaucratic organization. One day Clint and Natasha were very bored. They find a series of old Forms that have yet to be completely fazed out. Fun ensues. Rated T for future language. Chapters short by necessity. Current Form: Unscheduled Impairment.
1. Airing of Grievance

_So…I know that there's an image of this form filled out pretty much like this, in that it's from Coulson to Fury, floating around on the Internet but my sister and I decided to take our own spin with it. Mainly because we have the whole book that it's from, and also because we wanted to do our own thing with it. Hopefully, others like it as well._

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the forms you see in this story. They belong to the __**Formal Notices: From The Bureau of Communication**__ by __**Joshua and David Keay**__. I also don't own __**The Avengers**__, who of course belong to __**Marvel**__. I think that's it._

_Warning: Obviously, the original formatting of these forms won't hold up in Fanfiction dot Net court, so I've tried my best to make it understandable. Since the forms are fill-in-the-blank originally, any part that is __underlined__ is something that was 'filled in' by the character or characters mentioned. Anything that is __**bolded and underlined**__ is one of the options chosen by the person or persons filling out the form when applicable. Anything in (parenthesis) is instructions given by the form for options to choose when filling in the blank. I left these in because they are hilarious._

_Because, after all, S.H.I.E.L.D. is still a bureaucratic organization._

* * *

OFFICIAL NOTICE  
**AIRING OF GRIEVANCE** (Form G-7001)  
Statement:

To: (Name of Recipient) Director Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D. From: (Name of Sender) Agent Phil Coulson

I am sending you this message to alert you that I find your behavior of (Offensive Action) destroying my mint condition, painstakingly collected Captain America cards to be particularly (Sensation) reprehensible. I wish to draw this to your attention because you may not be aware of the effect that it is having on others. Specifically, I feel (Feeling) a quiet burning rage whenever you (Details of Offense) enter a room. As an alternative, I would suggest that instead you could (Preferable Activity) replace each and every card, an action that I would find to be (Number) one thousand times better. If you choose to persist in your (Offence Restated) disregard for people's treasured possessions I may have no choice but to (Dire Consequence) fill out Form V-22 (Declaration of Romantic Feelings) in your handwriting and present said form to Deputy Maria Hill. While this is another possible solution, it would be (Positive Modifier) preferable for both parties if we could avoid it.

_Filing Date__:_

_Gravity of Offense__:  
Negligible—Middling—Incalculable  
X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-__**X**_

_Offence Frequency__:  
Incessant  
Constant  
Frequent  
Occasional  
Rare  
__**Once**__  
Not Yet Occurred_

_Sentiment__:  
Thank You  
__**Sincerely**__  
Most Seriously  
It's Not Personal  
Respectfully  
With Love  
__**Without Love**_

_Parties Offended__:  
__**Myself  
Others  
Society  
God**_

_Please Respond__:  
Never  
__**Immediately**__  
At Your Leisure_

_**Include Apology**_

_Additional Notes: Yes, God and Society were offended as well. Some of those cards were one-of-a-kind. I still expect them to be replaced, or at the very, very least fixed._

* * *

Director Nick Fury read through the missive on his desk again, still not quite believing what he read. He thought for sure that those Forms had been burnt, or at least lost forever in deep storage. He had a feeling that he knew who it was that dredged those horrible things back up—and for once, it wasn't Tony Stark. Director Fury sighed, knowing that this wasn't going to stop anytime soon. If anything, it was going to get worse.

And, if he were being completely honest with himself, Director Fury had to admit that even he liked the Forms a little. Luckily being honest wasn't part of his job description.

He paged Agent Hill to his office, reading through Agent Coulson's note once more. She entered the room silently, standing a respectful distance away from his desk. Judging by the hint of a smile that she was working on suppressing, she found out about the Forms already.

"Sir?"

"Agent, I want you to track me down the Formal Apology Form." He had a feeling that he would need it.


	2. Formal Apology

_Same treatment as last time. AKA, the Second Form. There are about Fifty of these forms, and I think it would be fun to fill them all out. If people want me to, that is. Then again, I may do it anyway just because its fun, I want to, and some people may want me to. Who knows._

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the forms you see in this story. They belong to the __**Formal Notices: From The Bureau of Communication**__ by __**Joshua and David Keay**__. I also don't own __**The Avengers**__, who of course belong to __**Marvel**__. I think that's it._

_Warning: Obviously, the original formatting of these forms won't hold up in Fanfiction dot Net court, so I've tried my best to make it understandable. Since the forms are fill-in-the-blank originally, any part that is __underlined__ is something that was 'filled in' by the character or characters mentioned. Anything that is __**bolded and underlined**__ is one of the options chosen by the person or persons filling out the form when applicable. Anything in (parenthesis) is instructions given by the form for options to choose when filling in the blank. I left these in because they are hilarious._

_Because, after all, S.H.I.E.L.D. is still a bureaucratic organization._

* * *

OFFICIAL NOTICE  
**FORMAL APOLOGY (Form A-001)  
**Statement:

To: Agent Phil Coulson From: Director Nick Fury

It has come to my attention that my action of (Behavior Which You Regret) using your cards to unite the Avengers and thus save the world from alien invasion and Loki could be seen as … _**Offensive **__…Annoying…__**Selfish**__…__**Hurtful.**_ I never intended to (Consequence of Your Action) cause you undue distress after being stabbed through the heart. I want you to understand that I was merely trying to (Your Intention) unite the Avengers and thus save the world from alien invasion and Loki, though I can now see how it could appear that I was (Perceived Motive) being callus. Please accept my (Adjective) reluctant apology. Moving forward, I will attempt to (Proposed Solution) have your cards cleaned to their original condition or locate new ones for you. That said, I would very much appreciate it if you (Request For Other Party) would stop carrying on so, get back to work, and don't get the Avengers involved. Sincerely, your (Relationship to Person) boss, (Your Name) Director Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D.

_Filing Date__:_

_Sincerity__:  
Heartfelt—Begrudging—Technical  
X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-_**_X_**_-X-X-X_

_Excuses__:  
It is a habit.  
__**I am a naturally selfish person.**__  
I thought it would be funny.  
I did not know it bothered you.  
__**You were never supposed to know.**__  
I was…hungry…lonely…intoxicated.  
It was my evil twin._

_I feel…__:  
Terrible.  
Guilty.  
Stupid.  
Sorry.  
__**Blameless.  
Vindicated.  
Better Now.**_

_Please…__:  
Forgive Me.  
__**Be Patient With Me.**__  
Give Me Another Chance.  
__**Forget It Ever Happened.  
Do Not Try to Get Even.  
Do Not Call The Police.**__ ('Police' is crossed out and 'Avengers' is written over it.)  
Do Not Tell My Parents._

_Additional Notes: They are just cards, Agent Coulson. I would expect someone with your rank and maturity to get over such things. I'm already getting you new ones, anyway. Tell Hawkeye and Black Widow to stop using these forms and put them to rest. The last time they were used was the first time Captain America was around._

* * *

Director Fury subtly sent along a blank Form for A Grant of Forgiveness, but it was never filled out and returned. The Forms didn't stop, either.


	3. Acknowledgement of Occasion

_I'm going to try to add more 'story' like elements to the chapters. Hopefully it will link the Forms together better. Also, it should be noted that these chapters don't necessarily follow chronological order. Some will, but others could take place earlier or later than others. I hope this isn't too confusing._

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the forms you see in this story. They belong to the __**Formal Notices: From The Bureau of Communication**__ by __**Joshua and David Keay**__. I also don't own __**The Avengers**__, who of course belong to __**Marvel**__. I think that's it._

_Warning: Obviously, the original formatting of these forms won't hold up in Fanfiction dot Net court, so I've tried my best to make it understandable. Since the forms are fill-in-the-blank originally, any part that is __underlined__ is something that was 'filled in' by the character or characters mentioned. Anything that is __**bolded and underlined**__ is one of the options chosen by the person or persons filling out the form when applicable. Anything in (parenthesis) is instructions given by the form for options to choose when filling in the blank. I left these in because they are hilarious._

_Because, after all, S.H.I.E.L.D. is still a bureaucratic organization._

* * *

Clint sighed tiredly, making his way back to his barracks on the Helicarrier. He used to have a set of barracks at S.H.I.E.L.D. until his little… 'run-in' with Loki. Ever since, agents have been walking on pins and needles around him. Agent Coulson suggested keeping to the Helicarrier for now. Since Phil was his handler and friend, and obviously concerned for his safety Clint felt like he had no choice about it. Worse yet, he couldn't even complain about it.

He was just coming back from his last psychological evaluation with the medical team. It looked like they were finally agreeing that he wasn't traumatized by being mind controlled, and they didn't think he was a threat to his fellow S.H.I.E.L.D. agents.

Well, within reason.

Seriously, though. Clint _really_ didn't want to stay on the Helicarrier anymore. Natasha was rarely on board, and even if she was there more it didn't change the fact that Clint was going stir crazy. He wanted to be able to move around, not be confined to some plane in the sky. Even if he could leave, where would he go? No doubt his old barracks back at headquarters have already been given to someone else. Clint supposed he could always rent an apartment somewhere, but that would take time, what with all the background checks. And then he would have to give them some kind of phony background as well. That was more of Natasha's thing rather than his.

It looked like he would just have to stay on the Helicarrier some more. That would be perfect for his nerves.

He was just approaching his barracks door when he noticed it. There was a little slip of paper sticking out from where something was clearly stuck under his door. Already wary after his last appointment, Clint was really in no mood for any surprises. He continued down the hall until he came to the nearest air duct. He looked down both sides of the hallway first, making sure no one was coming or looking at him before entering. He was starting to be infamous for using the ducts as a means of travel, and if it meant that he didn't have to suffer through more teasing at his expense then he was more than ready to make sure that nobody saw him.

He looked through the vent that led to his room, checking every vantage point that he could see. The only thing that looked out of the ordinary was the official looking document that was lying on his floor. Frowning, Clint slowly lowered himself into the room. He spun around, gun out—but there was nothing behind him, either. He approached the document, briefly looking over its contents. When he saw who it was from, he immediately lowered the gun.

Clint picked up the Form (what else could it be?) and read it over, groaning. He couldn't help the slight smile on his face, though. Sometimes it was nice to have friends.

* * *

OFFICIAL NOTICE  
**ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF OCCASION (Form G-26)  
**Statement:

Dear (Name of Recipient) Katniss/Legolas/Robin Hood/Green Arrow Wannabe (yeah, I went there.),

It has recently come to my attention that you will soon be observing (Event) the end of your psych evaluation. This is a (Adjective) for you, I suppose routine occasion. I propose you should commemorate this (Adjective) auspicious time by (Suggested Activity) immediately moving in to the Avengers Tower (trademark). It is not every day that one has a chance to (Consequence of Suggested Activity) live with a super-soldier, genius billionaire playboy philanthropist, a demi-god/alien, and a man with extraordinary anger management issues. I hope that you feel very (Sensation) grateful. Wishing you (Sentiment) to hurry your feathered ass up and move in already! Your (Adjective) incredibly handsome (Relationship to Person) soon-to-be roommate, (Your Name) Tony Stark.

_Additional Notes-Brevity is a Virtue  
__I can't believe you and Stalin kept these beautiful, beautiful things from me. Shame on you. Luckily, I'm going to go with the assumption that you were too busy trying to figure out how to beat the psych eval, so I'll give you a pass. This time. By the way, you should totally move in now. So yeah. Do that right away._

_Did I mention we have Shwarma? I'm thinking of making it trademarked as the Avengers food of choice._

_Filing date:_

_Occasion__:  
Quinceaños  
Engagement  
Wedding  
Anniversary  
Divorce  
Birthday  
Bar Mitzvah  
First Communion  
National Holiday  
__**Fictional Holiday  
Graduation  
Life-Alternation  
(write in) Somehow Convincing S.H.I.E.L.D. Medical That You're Sane**_

_Message Sent__:  
Ahead of Time  
__**Just in Time  
Past Due**_

_Attachments__:  
__**Love**__  
Gifts  
Cash  
__**Thanks Requested**_

_Please Reply__:  
Never  
__**Immediately**__  
At Your Leisure_

_Significance of Event__:  
Forgettable—Notable—Life Changing  
X-X-X-X-__**X**__-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X_

_Sincerity of Sentiment__:  
Bona Fide—Honest—Simulated—Artificial  
X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-**X**-__X__-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X_

_Disclaimer__:  
The Sender Denies Any Responsibility For the Consequences of Suggested Activity._


	4. A Written Letter of Regret

_I don't know why, but I find the idea that Fury would want to make sure that one of his best agents isn't completely upset with him amusing. Of course, it's for efficiencies sake, and not at all because no one wants to be on Coulson's bad side. Then again, Fury kind of deserves it._

_Again, it's a short chapter because there's really not that much more to add. Sorry if you were expecting long chapters._

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the forms you see in this story. They belong to the **Formal Notices: From The Bureau of Communication** by **Joshua and David Keay**. I also don't own **The Avengers**, who of course belong to **Marvel**. I think that's it._

_Warning: Obviously, the original formatting of these forms won't hold up in Fanfiction dot Net court, so I've tried my best to make it understandable. Since the forms are fill-in-the-blank originally, any part that is underlined is something that was 'filled in' by the character or characters mentioned. Anything that is **bolded and underlined** is one of the options chosen by the person or persons filling out the form when applicable. Anything in (parenthesis) is instructions given by the form for options to choose when filling in the blank. I left these in because they are hilarious._

___Because, after all, S.H.I.E.L.D. is still a bureaucratic organization._

* * *

Bureau of Communication Form Z-24890

A WRITTEN REORD OF REGRET

_I find myself wishing for a Time Machine._

Why, you might ask? If I had one, I would use it to (Action You Would Have Taken Had You Known What Is Now Known) use different, fake Captain America cards to save the world. No doubt this sounds trite (moreover, and unduly optimistic assessment of my ability to alter the flow of history), though it is unfortunately true. It's taken longer than it should, but I'm realizing that life is considerably harder than I had ever imagined. Why were we never told that (Newly Realized Life Lesson) a crazy 'god' from another world would come and attack, attacking and injuring you and giving me the opportunity to unite the group of superheroes we both know were the only ones capable of stopping him? I am certainly old enough to know better—so how could I have been such a (Self-Deprecating Comment) quick thinker and opportunist?

I do not know how to put this (thus, I have resorted to corresponding via fill-in-the-blank forms), though if I could to express my feelings in words, they would be:

I AM SO, SO, SO SORRY.

Moreover, if I had the space, I would write the word "so" about (Large Number) zero more times. And I fear that even then it would not properly describe how I feel. Needless to say, this is a tricky situation I find myself in.

Though I have accepted that my time-travel wish will most likely not be fulfilled, I still hold onto hope that someday this terrible situation will somehow be repaired. I know it will not be easy, but I am willing to work for it. Very, very, _very_ hard.

Sincerely, your (Humbling Adjective) annoyed (Role) boss, (Name) Director Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D.

* * *

Phil Coulson, on yet another one of his visits to the Tower, looked on with his usual slight smile as the Avengers laughed in varying degrees of excitement. Black Widow, of course, merely had a smile that was even slighter than his and released maybe a chuckle or two. Dr. Banner had his hand over his mouth, his shoulders shaking at suppressing his enthusiasm. Captain America sat back on the couch, a pleased smile on his face. He did look a little uncomfortable at first since this whole situation was about his trading cards, but even he laughed when he saw the lengths that Fury was going to to try and smooth the Incident over. Hawkeye was on the floor, having been overcome by giggles. By far and large, though, the loudest and most enthusiastic laughter came from Thor and Iron Man, who couldn't seem to stop long enough to get a breath of air. His face was turning red, and Agent Coulson would have to be worried about informing Pepper of his hyperventilation soon.

Luckily, it seemed that Stark was finally starting to calm down.

"You-you know, when I suggested that you 'hold a grudge' over your cards, I didn't think it would end like this," Stark choked out.

Agent Coulson gave him a mild look. "So I suppose I should let it go then?" The Avengers gave him their curious attention. "After all, now that he's sent an apology note—again, I should point out—should I send him my Grant of Forgiveness?"

It really wasn't that surprising when, as one, the room shouted "no!" at him. It was just as well. Agent Coulson really did love his cards. And Director Fury had yet to deliver a new set, or clean the old one.


	5. Declaration of Independence

_Thank you everyone for the reviews, favorites and story alerts. It means a lot to me. The chapters are slowly increasing in size, but I doubt they'll ever get to over two or three thousand words. Also, the form of this Form was a little different from the usual. Just imagine everything in big, flowery cursive handwriting._

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the forms you see in this story. They belong to the __**Formal Notices: From The Bureau of Communication**__ by __**Joshua and David Keay**__. I also don't own __**The Avengers**__, who of course belong to __**Marvel**__. I think that's it._

_Warning: Obviously, the original formatting of these forms won't hold up in Fanfiction dot Net court, so I've tried my best to make it understandable. Since the forms are fill-in-the-blank originally, any part that is __underlined__ is something that was 'filled in' by the character or characters mentioned. Anything that is __**bolded and underlined**__ is one of the options chosen by the person or persons filling out the form when applicable. Anything in (parenthesis) is instructions given by the form for options to choose when filling in the blank. I left these in because they are hilarious._

_Because, after all, S.H.I.E.L.D. is still a bureaucratic organization._

* * *

I, the undersigned, do formally and publically offer forth this: DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the personal bonds which have connected them with another and assume their autonomous individual stations, decency requires that they declare the causes which impel them to separate.

Thus, I shall explain my motivations: While our time together has surely been beneficial for both parties, I realize that in order to pursue justice as the Avengers, I will need to set off on my own. My reasons are too plentiful to enumerate, so I shall record but a few:

FIRST: I must be able to act as we see fit without consulting you first.

SECONDLY: I believe that the freedom to live our own goddamn lives without you telling us what to do all the damn time (with the exception of Hawkeye and Black Widow who actually work for you) is a right and not a privilege.

THIRDLY: Your demands that I live and breathe for you idiots and jump at your every command, not to mention the breaches of security and privacy of _my own tower_ (who's tower?/ Technically it's Pepper's by 12%/ Yeah, but we live here too/ Guys, that's not the point right now!) are becoming increasingly unacceptable, Stark, just go with that (I was going to say a pain in the ass, but that works too) for me to comply with.

FOURTHLY: I wish to achieve my goal of finally being able to live out our own lives as we see fit, which I fear I would never be able to do if we remain together.

FIFTHLY, AND FINALLY: You are not as scary as you once were.

In conclusion, we chose to yoke ourselves together under our own free will, and I now choose independence using to same God-granted right. I respectfully request your compliance in the coming days, and trust you to maintain your steadfast character throughout. Godspeed, and Farewell.

Sincerely, Natasha Romanoff, Clint Barton, Steve Rogers, Bruce Banner, Thor, and Tony Stark, AKA The Avengers.

Relationship Emancipation form by The Bureau of Communication, Form Number 30-03857

* * *

Tony nodded his head, content with what was in front of him. He looked around the table at the other Avengers, all of whom agreed and contributed at some point to the drafting of this fine document. Okay, so they only filled in the blanks, but still. Who ever came up with it in the first place was a genius, and Tony knew genius when he saw it.

It was high time, he decided, that the Avengers became their own group. Tony chafed at being hounded after by Fury and his minions, and he never responded that well to authority figures, anyway. He didn't even have to convince everyone else to go along with his plan, either. Steve was only too happy to sign when he found out that he would not only be doing something so very 'American' as signing a Declaration of Independence, but he was also apparently chafing at being ordered around by Fury. Now, being an army man, Steve understood orders. He may not have liked all of them, but he still followed them. Fury's orders, on the other hand, were a whole other story. After lying to them about Coulson, Steve took what Fury said with a grain of salt and started liking the idea that Tony was preaching, that they should be their own group. Steve really wanted to trust all of the people he worked with, and he couldn't do that when they were still under S.H.I.E.L.D.'s thumb.

Bruce was just happy that he didn't have to keep looking over his shoulder to make sure that the S.H.I.E.L.D. handlers weren't going to shank him in the back. Big organizations made him nervous, especially after what happened between the army and the Big Guy. Bruce much preferred staying somewhere safe, and Tony went out of his way to make sure that his tower was safe and welcoming to his friend.

Thor, bless his Asgardian heart, didn't really get the notion of what they were doing at first but when he was told that they were 'breaking away from their oppressors' so that they 'could do good work in the world' he was all in. Tony only felt a little guilty for saying that to him, but Thor seemed okay with it even after Steve and Bruce glared at Tony and explained it to him correctly. That was all he asked for, really. Even Thor knew that it was better to work with each other than to be under S.H.I.E.L.D.'s beck and call to get anything done. Apparently, they had bureaucracies in Asgard as well, and they were just as disliked there as they were here.

Clint and Natasha, Tony thought for sure, would have been the hard-sells since they, after all, _worked_ for the organization that the Avengers were trying to break away from. As it turned out, the two assassins were perfectly okay with their plan. In fact, they were the ones who provided the Form that they used. Tony immediately declared his love for the both of them and suggested either a threesome or a foursome if they included Pepper. They both glared at him, though it was hard for Tony to tell with Clint since he liked to wear his sunglasses. Instead, he wisely backed off and let them be the first ones to sign their names.

All in all, though, Tony was very pleased with himself. He only hoped that the bug he had JARVIS install into the S.H.I.E.L.D. mainframe were still operational. He definitely wanted to see Fury's expression when he got their Form.


	6. Unfortunate News

_This chapter is extra long since this is the Form that began it all. On a side note, regarding Coulson's relative that's mentioned here, I firmly believe that this is what happened. It's my headcannon, and it may eventually be yours. I'm surprised that I haven't seen this pop up somewhere else before now (but then again, I'm not really on the Avengers page that much… I was told in an anonymous review that someone was sad that the Card Torture was done…_

_Don't worry. It won't be done quite yet *evil grin*_

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the forms you see in this story. They belong to the __**Formal Notices: From The Bureau of Communication**__ by __**Joshua and David Keay**__. I also don't own __**The Avengers**__, who of course belong to __**Marvel**__. I think that's it. I also don't own the random cameo by a character in here, nor do I own the series that the character is from._

_Warning: Obviously, the original formatting of these forms won't hold up in Fanfiction dot Net court, so I've tried my best to make it understandable. Since the forms are fill-in-the-blank originally, any part that is __underlined__ is something that was 'filled in' by the character or characters mentioned. Anything that is __**bolded and underlined**__ is one of the options chosen by the person or persons filling out the form when applicable. Anything in (parenthesis) is instructions given by the form for options to choose when filling in the blank. I left these in because they are hilarious._

_Because, after all, S.H.I.E.L.D. is still a bureaucratic organization._

* * *

Natasha looked over her shoulder balefully at her partner-in-crime who was giggling maniacally as they crawled through the air ducts. They really needed to move quietly if they wanted to make sure they didn't get caught, but Clint was just too happy to have been sprung from medical that he apparently couldn't help himself. Soon he would be transferred over to the Helicarrier to undergo his psych evaluation, so in the meantime his very considerate partner decided to spring him for a little bit of fun before he was locked away on an airplane somewhere. Natasha shook her head. She would have rather used any other means of escape than the air ducts, especially since they were more of her partner's area of domain. But, as Clint gleefully pointed out, they would easily be spotted on the regular walkways and they hardly ever monitored the duct system. Also, it was harder for others to follow them.

She couldn't really argue with that kind of logic.

"Do we even know where we're going?" she grumbled.

"I have no idea," Clint admitted. He didn't sound nearly as worried as he probably should have, in Natasha's opinion. She scowled. She hated wasting her time.

"Then why are we here?"

"Because I've never seen this area before." Natasha actually paused at that. She looked over her shoulder again but Clint's expression was just as serious as his tone. She blinked, the only sign of her surprise at his statement. It was no secret that Clint liked to travel through the air vents at times. It was just kind of assumed that he had covered every inch of the air duct system at Headquarters at some point. Natasha should have known better, though. She gave Clint a considering look before continuing on.

"This is some surprise trip away from medical."

"I know." She could practically hear the grin in his voice. "God, I think there must be a whole section they were hiding from the rest of us. Aren't you glad we didn't escape using 'normal' means now?" Natasha chose not to deign him with an answer. Up ahead she could see a vent opening big enough for them to use.

"Let's try here." Carefully she pulled open the vent covering and jumped the ten feet between the vent and the ground. She spun around, guns out to make sure no one tried to attack her. Since this area wasn't even on any maps that she hacked from Fury's computer, then it stood to reason that anything living in here would have been dangerous in some shape or form. Instead, all that stood around her were rows and rows of filing cabinets. Natasha lowered her guns, a little let down at the discovery.

"Can you see anything?" Clint asked from up in the vents. Natasha sighed and looked back up at him.

"It's just a bunch of file cabinets." Her statement was met by silence.

"Did I just hear you say 'file cabinets'?"

"Come see for yourself." Natasha shrugged. She walked down one of the aisles, idly glancing at the faded labels that were covered under what had to be several decades worth of layers of dust. Clint landed on the ground with barely a sound. He let out a low whistle when he saw just how big the room was, and just how many filing cabinets there were.

"This must be the place where files and paperwork go to die," he said in a hushed voice. Natasha nodded idly, grimacing at the dust and grime residue left on her fingers after trying to read the names on the different file cabinets.

"Don't tell Coulson that," she remarked. "He may actually die this time." Clint chuckled, walking down the aisle next to hers. "Speaking of which, do you know what the rumors are saying this time?"

"What, that 'Loki's magic staff didn't actually hit a kill spot', that 'Fury got to him in time', those kinds of things? The only thing I can _do_ in medical is get caught up on the rumors." Natasha froze for a moment when she saw a cabinet that was supposedly exclusively for the Super Soldier serum. It would probably be in everyone's best interests if she forgot she ever saw that.

"Do you know what Coulson has to say about his fake death this time?"

"'UFO Sightings in Relation to Einstein-Rosenberg Bridges?' The hell?" Clint swore from his aisle. "Oh, not much. Something about taking over his cousin Jean's reputation or something."

Natasha frowned, skimming over a cabinet that apparently held the secrets of how to make the perfect sentient robot that wouldn't turn on its creator; judging by the way the files were hastily stuffed in, it must not have worked out too well. "He's mentioned her before, right? From the Grey side of his family? The one who's on scholarship to that prestigious school upstate?"

"That's the one," Clint affirmed, reading labels under his breath. "Hey, does it bother you that we know more about his life and family than others do about us?"

"Not at all."

"That's what I was thinking, too. Hey, what's this?" Clint's voice trailed off, obviously having found something. Natasha really didn't want to stay in her aisle anymore after finding a whole cabinet dedicated to something called 'Ultron' and its creator, so she headed to where Clint was. And by that, she leapt over the row of cabinets separating them. In front of her was an ordinary looking cabinet that didn't really seem to stand out from any of the others around it. The only thing that made Natasha give it a second glance was its ordinary looking label—_Retired Forms_. The title was so innocuous compared to the others that she had seen that Natasha could understand why Clint was drawn to it.

She sent her partner a sideways glance. "Should we open it?"

"Why not?" Clint agreed with her, stepping back so that she could take a crack at unlocking the thing. "We still have to give Coulson a 'You're Back From The Dead Again' gift anyways. Why not some old forms?"

It took a moment but Natasha was able to snap the old, rusted lock easily. Clint shuffled in close to her, both looking through the contents of the file cabinet. It looked like old forms, of course. It was only after reading through them a second time that Natasha was really able to comprehend what she was seeing. Judging by the look on Clint's face, he saw it too.

"Is this for real?" he asked her. Natasha didn't reply. Her eye caught on a form in particular that reminded her of an important task that they still had to accomplish.

"Clint, do you think anyone's told Coulson about his cards yet?" Clint flinched at the question. They knew what those cards meant to their handler and friend. Hell, they had even collected one or two of them for him as a present from missions they had gone on in the past. It would be a terrifying blow to Coulson to learn what became of them.

"No, not yet," he said. "I think they're waiting for us to tell him, that way he'll get angry at us." Clint scowled. Cowards. He and Natasha weren't even _there_ when it happened! Just because they were his 'favorite' assets didn't mean he wouldn't make their lives a living hell for that. To his surprise, however, Natasha turned to him with a small smile on her face.

"I know just the way to break it to him."

* * *

FILL-IN-THE-BLANK CORRESPONDENCE  
**UNFORTUNATE NEWS **(Form Z-789)  
Message:

Dear (Name of Recipient) Coulson,

How have you been? I've been (Positive Adjective That Does Not Reveal News) busy adjusting to life with the Avengers/being forced into medical observation. Life is (Fine/Good/Great) fine in (Geographic Region) New York. The weather has been (Description of Meteorological Activity) rainy. I've been enjoying (Seasonal Food You Enjoy) pop tarts offered up by one of the gods themselves (Thor). How is your (Thing Recipient Enjoys) paperwork? Recently, I saw a film entitled (Name of Film) Indiana Jones all about (Brief Description of Film) preservation and discovery of lost and important objects of historical and sentimental value, which I thought was (Two Word Impression of the Film) delightfully droll. I think you'd (Love/Hate) hate it. Aside from that, (Life/Work/Everything) work is good. I have been sleeping (Description of How You Have Been Sleeping) on pins and needles/like a baby and I had a funny dream that (Begin Foreshadowing the Impending Bad News) something important had been destroyed or defaced, though I have no idea what it might symbolize. Oh, one last thing: (Finally, Deliver the Bad News Here) Director Fury took your Captain America cards from your locker, covered them in blood and used them to traumatize your idol (and Tony Stark) and (Consequence of This Unfortunate Event) unfortunately, we don't think they can be saved.

Thanks for being so (Positive Adjective) understanding that this was all Director Fury's fault and that I (Hawkeye) was under mind control at the time and I (Black Widow) knocked it out of him, (Your Name Here) Clint and Natasha.

_Upon Further Thought__:  
__**I Should Have Told You Sooner**__  
It Is Not As Bad As It Sounds  
You Will Get Used To It  
__**At Least I Am Still Alive  
I Am As Surprised As You Are  
We Should Have Seen This Coming  
At Least I Have Got My Health  
I Promise I Will Fix This**_

_The Official Stages of Grief__:  
__**Shock  
Denial  
Anger**__  
Bargaining  
__**Depression**__  
Acceptance_

_You May Also Experience__:  
__**Surprise  
Disappointment**__  
Guilt  
__**Anxiety  
Nausea  
Wrath**_

_Carrying On__:  
I Propose Our Next Steps Should Be: __Look, Coulson, we have an idea and a plan. We found these Forms back in storage and we figured there has to be something here you could use. We'll bring them by later when we come visit. And, if all else fails, we can get Stark and the Cap involved; they definitely won't take this lying down. Tasha says that she can attest for how annoying Stark is. Just remember, it's not the end of the world yet. We can still make Fury pay, and Clint's going to talk Cap into posing for new cards for you. We'll even make sure he signs this pair. Just know that we're here for you._

_On another note, Tasha managed to steal your original cards. You don't have to torture yourself looking at them, but know that they're here if you want them. Much love, Clint and Natasha__._

* * *

Coulson felt something he hadn't felt in a long time when he read the missive from two of his favorite agents. In fact, he wasn't sure if he's ever felt this way before. A quiet rage simmered inside, threatening to consume him. It was only his cool professionalism that he had spent years cultivating that kept his usual mild expression on his face. He wasn't proud, however, that his hands shook almost imperceptively. There really was no excuse. Why would Director Fury use his cards like that? Didn't he know what they meant to Coulson?

Of course he did. He must have decided to use them to try and bring the Avengers together. After all, Coulson himself was the one to tell Fury to use his 'death' as a means to make them put aside their differences. But did that mean that Fury had to go so far as to use his precious cards as a motivator?

_They were mint condition! And there was only slight foxing around the edges! Did he have any idea how long and hard it was to collect them all?_

Coulson shook his head slightly. He needed to control his anger. Focus it somehow. He re-read the Form from Barton and Romanoff. Despite himself, especially in his current state of distress, Coulson found himself amused. He had heard tale of these Forms before, but had always thought that they were a kind of bureaucratic myth. It was somewhat fulfilling knowing that they really did exist. Barton and Romanoff suggested in their note that he use some of the other Forms to get even.

Coulson allowed himself to let a genuine smirk flit across his face briefly. If some of the rumors about the Forms were correct, he could use his patented passive-aggressive tendencies to get his revenge. In fact, if the rumors were true, then there was a Form just for that. And then there was the realm of possibilities of what would happen if he allowed Stark of all people to find out about these Forms. Oh, the satisfaction would feel great.

Now, to find Agents Romanoff and Barton. He had a new mission for them that involved infiltration, espionage, diplomacy, and a great deal of stealth.

After all, he couldn't have Director Fury finding out about his revenge plans just yet.


	7. Declaration of Romantic Feelings

_I bet none of you saw this one coming. But yes, it was ridiculously hard not making this one dirtier than it already is. Again, I'm really glad that you all are enjoying this story!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the forms you see in this story. They belong to the __**Formal Notices: From The Bureau of Communication**__ by __**Joshua and David Keay**__. Actually, I don't even own the book that I'm getting these from; that belongs to my sister, who is letting me use it for our own amusement /smiley face. I also don't own __**The Avengers**__, who of course belong to __**Marvel**__. I think that's it._

_Warning: Obviously, the original formatting of these forms won't hold up in Fanfiction dot Net court, so I've tried my best to make it understandable. Since the forms are fill-in-the-blank originally, any part that is __underlined__ is something that was 'filled in' by the character or characters mentioned. Anything that is __**bolded and underlined**__ is one of the options chosen by the person or persons filling out the form when applicable. Anything in (parenthesis) is instructions given by the form for options to choose when filling in the blank. I left these in because they are hilarious._

_Because, after all, S.H.I.E.L.D. is still a bureaucratic organization._

* * *

OFFICIAL NOTICE  
**DECLARATION OF ROMANTIC FEELINGS** (Form: V-22)  
Statement:

Dear (Name of Recipient) Director Fury, I wish to inform you that I consider you to be a very (Superlative) superb human being, a quality which I consider (Adjective of Magnitude) amazingly attractive. Frankly, the world is filled with many (Undesirable Human Quality) icky people, though you are far more (Remarkable Characteristic) intelligent than them. I find myself daydreaming about (Plotline of Your Fantasy) being called to your office where you admit that you always wanted me to be closer to you, I throw my arms around you and we admit our love to the world. Your (Body Parts (Plural)) eyes are like (Rare or Precious Thing) palladium and your (Body Part (Singular)) mouth reminds me of (Something Desirable) vibranium. I would happily (An Extreme Act) murder the World Security Council in order to (Purpose of Such An Absurd Act) make you completely in charge from now until forever. I can only hope that you feel the same (Euphemism For Attraction) adoration toward me. I eagerly anticipate your candid reply. Sincerely, your (Relationship to Recipient) for now subordinate/future wife and lover, (Name of Sender) (very) special agent Maria Hill.

_Extent of Interest__:  
Confused—I Have A Bit Of A Crush—Infatuated  
X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-__**X**_

_I Have Felt This Way Since__:  
I Was Born—We Met—This Morning  
X-X-X-X-X-**X**-_X_-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X_

_Suggested Activities__:  
Gazing  
**Flirting**  
**Conversing**  
**Dancing**  
**Kissing**  
**Copulating**  
Breeding  
**Cohabiting**  
Knot-Tying  
Growing Old_

_Please Reply__:  
**Immediately**  
At Your Leisure  
No Reply Necessary  
**In Writing**  
**And/Or In Person**  
**With Enthusiasm**_

_Disclaimer__:  
This notice is intended to alert you to my feelings at the moment. Feelings may change rapidly and without further notice. In the event that you are interested, act quickly._

_Further Notation__:  
Please Refrain From The Use of Poetry—__Hey, Agent Hill. This is the Avengers. In case you haven't realized, this is blackmail. We have several copies of this Form on hand, some with a few changes. One we actually let Tony write himself. I think you can imagine what it says. And, in case you were wondering, we've also written a few that could plausibly be yours, especially since Agents Coulson and Romanoff are experts at copying handwriting. This is Form is to let you know that if you don't give Clint Barton his medical discharge so he can be with the rest of us, we will be sending one of our Forms to the Director._

_I think you know what you have to do._

* * *

Agent Hill glared furiously at the Form she was just handed. She didn't respond well to blackmail; never did, as a matter of fact. She was unwavering that way. She did not like to be forced into anything, especially since it was usually a bad situation that just made things worse. Hill believed quite firmly that if you showed even a little bit of hesitation others would walk all over you. And Agent Hill did NOT get to the position she had today be letting others trample her into the ground.

She set off at a brisk pace down the hallways of the Helicarrier, viciously growling. A few agents who passed her quickly looked away and hurried away as fast as they could. Good. They should have a healthy fear and worry of their commanders. Some would call it respect. Agent Hill preferred not lying to herself; if she couldn't trust herself, who could she trust?

As she expected, Agent Coulson was sitting as calm as can be in the break room. He liked to keep his non-habits, even after being off active duty during his 'death'. Hill had to admit, even she didn't see his faked death coming; she thought for sure that he was actually dead. Fury was still as devious as always.

Hill slammed the accursed Form down on the table in front of his egg salad sandwich. Someone must have cleaned out the good sandwiches. She couldn't help but feel vindictive. To her frustration, Coulson merely looked up with that stupid, trademarked mild expression on his face. The most he gave her was a slightly raised eyebrow that just made her hackles raise as well.

"What's this?" she demanded. Coulson glanced at the Form and then back up at her. Damn him, he even looked amused.

"I believe it is a Form declaring your romantic feelings for our director," he said simply. "I do have to say, Maria, I didn't think you would choose some of these phrases. I guess it's true what they say about girls in love-"

Hill slammed her hands down again, cutting him off. "You know that is a damn lie, and sexist to boot. If Agent Romanoff were here, she'd slit your throat."

"Then I suppose it's a good thing she's not here," Phil said. Hill didn't believe his misogynism for an instant. He was just trying to get a rise out of her, and she was loath to admit that it was working. He knew exactly how to get under her skin.

"The point is," she ground out, "I'm not going to give in to your team's blackmailing efforts. For one thing, I'm not even in a direct position to oversee Agent Barton's treatment, let alone decide when he gets out of it. For another, I believe he still needs to be observed for a longer period of time. He's uncooperative, and a loose cannon. He shouldn't be allowed back out in the field."

"You know as well as I do that he was always like that," Coulson said sharply. "He was good enough then, and he's good enough now. In case you're still worried, though, he won't even be working for S.H.I.E.L.D. directly. Agent Barton has been chosen, like Agent Romanoff, to be part of the Avengers Initiative. Yes, they weren't originally supposed to take part but I believe that their actions during the Manhattan Invasion have more than proven their worth."

"Fine," Hill snapped. "Spin your stories, have your favorites become superheroes. I don't care. Just leave me out of this!"

For the first time in the conversation, Coulson actually looked guilty. "I'm sorry, Maria. But we've looked it up, and Barton can only be released early with either the consent of his direct medical supervisor or…have an agent with commanding level clearance order his release. As his immediate supervisor and handler, I'm too…attached to do so objectively."

Hill took a deep, steadying breath. She hated it when they fought. He had a gift for making her feel like the bad guy. "I don't know what you want me to say, Phil. Under what grounds would I have for releasing him?"

Coulson smiled at her. "You're resourceful, Agent Hill. I'm sure you can think of something." With that, he stood up, gathered the remains of his sandwich and made a graceful exit from the room. A passing agent glanced back at him, a shocked look on his face. He must not have heard that Coulson was still alive yet. Maybe he wasn't Level Seven.

"I still don't appreciate being blackmailed, Coulson!" she shouted after his retreating back. She groaned, looking back at the Form. Even if Fury didn't believe it (which she really doubted he would), other agents would. Unfortunately, intelligence wasn't necessarily a high priority for new recruits.

Well, if there was one thing she could do it was intimidate those at medical who thought they were all that. Sometimes, it wasn't that bad knocking others down a peg or two.


	8. Sentiment of Gratitude

_Another chapter up, and this one a little different-this one is Avengers Team oriented. I don't think Coulson is mentioned at all, actually. Also, in case anyone was wondering about the blank 'filing dates', just consider them redacted. It seems like something a bureaucratic organization like S.H.I.E.L.D. would do._

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the forms you see in this story. They belong to the **Formal Notices: From The Bureau of Communication** by **Joshua and David Keay**. Actually, I don't even own the book that I'm getting these from; that belongs to my sister, who is letting me use it for our own amusement /smiley face. I also don't own **The Avengers**, who of course belong to **Marvel**. I think that's it._

_Warning: Obviously, the original formatting of these forms won't hold up in Fanfiction dot Net court, so I've tried my best to make it understandable. Since the forms are fill-in-the-blank originally, any part that is underlined is something that was 'filled in' by the character or characters mentioned. Anything that is **bolded and underlined** is one of the options chosen by the person or persons filling out the form when applicable. Anything in (parenthesis) is instructions given by the form for options to choose when filling in the blank. I left these in because they are hilarious._

___Because, after all, S.H.I.E.L.D. is still a bureaucratic organization._

* * *

When Bruce Banner first heard about the Forms, he thought that they were an amusing topic of conversation. At most, something fun for the team to do together as a bonding experience. He thought for sure that he would never need one. Why would he? He was a scientist, one that worked with Tony Stark on multiple occasions. It was a long time since Bruce last worked for any facility that would require him to use paperwork. Tony certainly never required him to if he could help it.

However, after a certain incident that Bruce preferred not to think about he came to the conclusion that he would need to tell the team how he felt. Better yet, he would need to show them somehow. It was when he was locked up in his lab that he came across the list of Forms that Tony had taped up all over the place that he had his idea.

Bruce was never good with interacting with people. Hopefully, a Form would be able to do that for him. When he was finished with the Form, he left it in the common living room area where they would be sure to find it and returned to his lab. He needed to get to work on trying to figure out how he was going to repay everyone...

* * *

OFFICIAL NOTICE  
**STATEMENT OF GRATITUDE** (Form TY-009)  
Statement:

To: The Avengers From: Dr. Bruce Banner

I wish to take a moment to properly thank you for (Action Leading to Your Gratitude) not handing me over to the army and General Ross when they called and asked politely earlier. You should know that I am (Adjective) extremely grateful. Your action shows a most remarkable level of (Virtue or Quality) friendship, companionship and family. While lesser individuals would have merely (Inferior Action) handed me over right away and collected in on the reward money, you chose to (Recipient's Superior Action) tell the army where they could stick it. I am honored to have such a (Complementary Adjective) wonderful group of human being as a teammates (sorry, this Form was for singular usage, but I chose plural). To express the true extent to my appreciation, I would have to (Extreme Act of Generosity) upgrade all of your weapons.* Well done!

Sincerely, your (Relationship to Recipient) forever grateful teammate, (Your Name) Dr. Bruce Banner.  
_*Note: This statement is an expression, not a promise, and thus bears no guarantee._

_Extent of Gratitude__:  
Effusive—Temperate—Restrained  
__**X**__-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X_

_Cause For Gratitude__:  
Presentation of a Gift of Offering  
__**Volunteering One's Time or Abilities  
A Singularly Remarkable Act of Kindness  
An Act of Self-Sacrifice  
A Private Deed of Goodliness  
Ongoing Acts of Virtue**__  
A Reversal From Selfish Ways  
(Fill In The Blank) _**_Saving me from the Hulk-Buster units and General Ross_**_._

_Your Virtues__: (In the margins is a scribbled note: I only thought some of these things applied to some of you, so I left them blank.)  
__**Bravery  
Patience**__  
Discretion  
Honesty  
Purity  
Cleanliness_

_I Am (Blank Space)__:  
__**In Your Debt  
Still Sorry  
Confused  
Overwhelmed  
Going To Repay You**__  
Exaggerating_

_Additional Notes: Again, I just want to say that I am extremely grateful and touched that you didn't turn me in to General Ross. I know that I cause a lot of trouble for you, particularly with The Other Guy, so I just want to say that I will make sure to keep out of trouble for you. I really don't want to bring anymore danger to your home, Tony, especially after you let me stay here. So, I just want to say thank you, to the whole team._

* * *

The Form was later sent Return-To-Sender with an additional note attached that read as follows—_Bruce, don't be an idiot. From: Your friends and family who do that kind of thing because they know that you would do the same for them. Moron._


	9. Official Invitation

_Sorry for missing a day with the updates. I'll be returning up to college this coming Friday, so in the meantime I've been getting ready for that. Hopefully the updates won't take too bad a hit after that._

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the forms you see in this story. They belong to the __**Formal Notices: From The Bureau of Communication**__ by __**Joshua and David Keay**__. Actually, I don't even own the book that I'm getting these from; that belongs to my sister, who is letting me use it for our own amusement /smiley face. I also don't own __**The Avengers**__, who of course belong to __**Marvel**__. I think that's it._

_Warning: Obviously, the original formatting of these forms won't hold up in Fanfiction dot Net court, so I've tried my best to make it understandable. Since the forms are fill-in-the-blank originally, any part that is __underlined__ is something that was 'filled in' by the character or characters mentioned. Anything that is __**bolded and underlined**__ is one of the options chosen by the person or persons filling out the form when applicable. Anything in (parenthesis) is instructions given by the form for options to choose when filling in the blank. I left these in because they are hilarious._

_Because, after all, S.H.I.E.L.D. is still a bureaucratic organization._

* * *

FORMAL STATEMENT  
**OFFICIAL INVITATION** (Form I-7001)

To: (Name of Recipient) Agent Agent From: (Name of Sender) Tony Stark on behalf of the Avengers

Dear (Relationship to Recipient) Handler that S.H.I.E.L.D. assigned because they think that someone can actually handle us, your presence is requested at (Event) The Avengers' House-Warming Party. It is sure to be a (Modifier) exciting event, and we would be (Emotion) amused to have you participate. We plan a great deal of (Activity) drinking and (Additional Activity) celebrating, though we do not intend to (Unplanned Activity) break anything this time. If that is a requirement, you may wish to pursue other opportunities. We await your response.

_Crucial Details__  
(Day of the week)-__REDACTED__, (Month/Day/Year)-__REDACTED__ (Start Time)-6:00 __pm New York City Time__  
__(__Location+Address)__Avengers Tower, Manhattan, New York City—Where That Ugly Old Met-Life Building Used To Be  
__(Additional Notes) __Look, Coulson baby. If you don't come, we'll probably just get up to something stupid again and then where will we be. You'll be annoyed and faced with unpleasant paperwork, we'll be getting yelled at, Pepper will send me to the couch of my own tower again, and the city may be in ruins. All because you didn't come to our party. Do you really want that on your conscience? I'm told by Stalin and Legolas that you have one. So, save us all some trouble and come to the party. I also may have even invited that cellist of yours to come down and the Assassin Twins may have told me that they have yet to actually meet her. Do you really want that to happen while you're not there? Think about it. In the meantime, R.S.V.P. that you'll be coming, okay? Great._

_Plans Include__:  
Grazing  
__**Feasting  
Alcohol  
Debauchery  
Music  
Cinema & Gaming  
Feats of Strength**__ (written in next to here is a note: __After all, Thor's going to be there and apparently he invited some of his Asgardian friends. Diplomatic relations, no?__)  
(Write In) __**Public Nudity. Maybe.**_

_Dress Code__:  
Costume (This is originally underlined, but later crossed out viciously)  
__**Black Tie  
Intimate  
Dancewear  
Swimwear  
Professional  
Come As You Are  
[X] To Be Enforced**_

_Please Bring__:  
__**Sustenance  
Intoxicants**__  
Associates  
(Write In) __**Emergency Contact Information; Be Honest, We'll Probably Need It.**_

_Kindly__:  
__**R.S.V.P.  
Be Punctual  
Tell No One  
Come Alone**_

_Your Absence Would Be__:  
Unforgivable—Conspicuous—Preferable  
__**X**__-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X_

_Fine Print__: The Bearer of this ticket is officially invited to attend the event indicated. Invitation is only valid on the date and time indicated. Event may be cancelled without additional notice. Invitation is non-transferable. Folded or Bent tickets will be refused. Cash Value: Less than 1/20__th__ of 1 Cent._

* * *

Agent Phil Coulson was deeply amused with this latest Form sent to him, though he was a little curious. It had been a while since the full Avenger team moved and settled into the Avenger tower; why did it take so long for them to have a 'house-warming party' as they were calling it? Perhaps it had something to do with liability issues with Stark Industries. He could certainly see why Pepper would want to minimize any potential damage. And, if what Phil read was true, then there would be Asgardians arriving to the party as well. Lord only knew what that would be like.

Then there would be the other invitees to look after. If he knew Barton and Romanoff, they would probably invite old 'work buddies' of theirs. He would probably know some of Barton's from S.H.I.E.L.D. or his file, but Romanoff's friends were a mystery. And possibly enemies.

Steve Rogers, since he was new to this time era, wouldn't have many friends to invite over. He did, however, have fans and a pretty waitress who was maybe interested in him. From what Coulson was able to find out, most of the fans that would come to the party were old army veterans and their family.

Tony Stark, as the main host of the party, would no doubt have an entourage that had to be seen to be believed. Rumor was that Lt. Colonel Rhodes would be flying in as well.

Doctor Banner would probably try to pretend he wasn't there, which with the kind of luck and karma that the Avengers get would mean that he would get on the army's radar. No doubt they would try to sneak into the party to start something, not realizing that they would be facing an entire room full of people that would stop them with extreme prejudice.

It had the makings of a logistical nightmare.

That would be something that Coulson would pay to see. Luckily, he had a free invitation…


	10. Revisionist History Lesson

_I personally quite like my little character study of Thor this chapter. Also, I've had a few people who want to know what happened at the party last chapter. As I've told them, I unfortunately wasn't invited. I do, however, have access to certain video feeds that let me know what happened, and I would be happy to transcribe them._

_Basically, I'll write what happened at the party next chapter. I hope you don't mind the slight break from the usual formatting of these chapters…_

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the forms you see in this story. They belong to the __**Formal Notices: From The Bureau of Communication**__ by __**Joshua and David Keay**__. Actually, I don't even own the book that I'm getting these from; that belongs to my sister, who is letting me use it for our own amusement /smiley face. I also don't own __**The Avengers**__, who of course belong to __**Marvel**__. I think that's it._

_Warning: Obviously, the original formatting of these forms won't hold up in Fanfiction dot Net court, so I've tried my best to make it understandable. Since the forms are fill-in-the-blank originally, any part that is __underlined__ is something that was 'filled in' by the character or characters mentioned. Anything that is __**bolded and underlined**__ is one of the options chosen by the person or persons filling out the form when applicable. Anything in (parenthesis) is instructions given by the form for options to choose when filling in the blank. I left these in because they are hilarious._

_Because, after all, S.H.I.E.L.D. is still a bureaucratic organization._

* * *

PERSONAL DOCUMENTATION  
**REVISIONIST HISTORY LESSON**  
Let The Records Show

Dear Thor,

It has come to my attention that you mistakenly believe you caught me committing an unsavory act—(Activity Which Never Took Place) eating the last box of pop-tarts. Lest you think otherwise, let me assure you that you are mistaken. In fact, I was merely (Innocuous Activity) wandering around in the air ducts, and any similarities to the former action were just imagined on your behalf. It is an understandable mistake, and I will attempt not to judge you for making it.

With that cleared up, it would be wise to remember how quiet I remained when I discovered your (Bad Habit) disassembly of Tony's robotic children/pets, or perhaps the time you were caught (Illicit Activity) with Natasha's perfumes. A similar level of discretion in these matters would be most appreciated. If further untruths about my actions were to spread, I may be forced to (Threat) reveal all that I have seen in the air ducts. Please fill out the attached testimony receipt and return it to me promptly. Neither a threat nor a promise, (Your Name) Clint Barton, Hawkeye.

* * *

Thor was quite angry. And frustrated, to be honest. He of course knew all about trickery and tomfoolery, having been brothers with Loki for as long as he could remember. He knew how some people, like his brother, liked to pull pranks on others, and how they seemed to enjoy in the mischief that they caused. Often times, Thor would join in their laughter when he saw a good joke come to fruition. Most times, the other party understood that it was all in good fun, and even Thor himself would laugh at times when his brother pulled a good one on him. Usually that involved Loki making a clone of himself to deceive Thor, and truth was that that got old after a while, but he knew how much such things meant to his brother. So, with good grace, he would go along with it.

There was one thing, however, that Thor could not and would not abide by. And that was blackmail. It was sneaky, it was underhanded, and there was no honor in it. Jokes and pranks were one thing. As long as it wasn't malicious, usually both sides ended up laughing and both parties were quite happy with each other. Usually after some quick revenge, but in the end everyone was fine again.

Blackmail, on the other hand, never ended. It kept building and building until one party, one way or the other, ended up buried in too deep. Thor would have said, before the whole fiasco with Loki, that his brother would never have taken part in such underhanded tricks. Loki liked the stage and the limelight; blackmail was kept to the shadows and known only to the blackmailer and the blackmailed. Loki's greatest flaw was that he needed to have an audience; it was what helped them stop his plans in Manhattan. But now, though, Thor felt like he didn't know his brother anymore. He liked to believe that Loki still wouldn't blackmail anyone.

So, then, what was his shield-brother's excuse for this hideous Form that was sent to Thor? Yes, Thor had been a little angry and upset that Clint had taken the last of his pop-tarts. But that could have easily been rectified by just going down to the corner store to buy him more. Was it really necessary to bring up the few mistakes that Thor had made shortly after first coming to the Avengers Tower? He had not been on Midgard for very long and they did not have these 'robots' on Asgard. How was he supposed to know what they were, or what they meant to his shield-brother Tony? As for the Lady Natasha's perfume, most Asgardian perfumes were quite different in both smell and bottle that they came from. He was merely curious and did not know what was going on.

Thor also didn't know that apparently he was being spied upon by Clint from the rafters.

Thor would gladly come clean, as the Midgardian expression said, if only to ease the trouble between his shield brothers. But to have his honest mistakes being used against him in this manner, and all over a brief dispute about pop-tarts? This was too much. This was not how a true warrior should behave.

Thor looked at the attached Form and grinned terribly in a way that reminded him of Loki when he had a truly wicked idea. He would write Clint his 'witness testimony' all right. He would also serve out to Clint what had been given to Thor, and he would post it up in the common room where the rest of the team would see. If anyone had any questions, Thor would gladly answer them.

He had no secrets like how Clint did.

* * *

**EXPERT WITNESS TESTIMONY**  
Record of Observance

I, (Name of Witness) Thor Odinsson, do solemnly swear that on the (Date) REDACTED of (Month) REDACTED, I witnessed the defendant going about the honest, fair, and legal business of (Perfectly Legal Activity) snooping around in the good doctor's labs, and I am quite confident that he was not up to any malfeasance or misdeeds. Moreover, I can happily attest that he is an upstanding (Nationality) Midgardian and a very good (Kind of Person) blackmailer who I am sure would never even think of doing the terrible things that someone might misinterpret him as doing.

Sincerely, (Name of Witness) Thor Odinsson.


	11. Party Time

_Sorry for the delay; I recently moved into a new apartment and had to get settled in, which included unpacking, figuring out how the Internet worked, and other things you don't really care about. To make it up to you, here's an extra long chapter about what happened at that infamous House Warming Party. I'll also be trying to update a new Form chapter later today, but we'll see how it goes. Apologies in advance for any unintentional OOC moments by the characters._

_Disclaimer: I don't own **Marvel** or **The Avengers**. Those are owned by their respective companies/people, etc._

* * *

Agent Coulson looked around the main room of the Avengers Tower. He was a little surprised at how many people could actually fit in one room. He was also quite sure that there were more scattered in various places around the Tower. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, the cellist that Coulson was seeing didn't appear to be here. He hated to imagine what the team would do to her, particularly since she didn't quite know what it was that he did for a living. Coulson may have told her that he was FBI. It was close enough to the real thing without endangering either party, particularly since things seemed to be a little rocky between them after his 'death' and 'rebirth', and this way she wouldn't meet his unstable assets. Speaking of which, Coulson couldn't see Barton anywhere and would bet a month's salary that he was currently showing off to his friends and a few extras his marksmanship in the shooting range. He could both see and hear Ms. Lewis rounding up volunteers to be 'targets' of some kind most likely in a Wilhelm Tell homage. Some of the volunteers were carrying random knick-knacks and decorations with them. Coulson hoped that Tony wasn't particularly fond or attached to them. Either way, the billionaire had insurance.

Romanoff was curled up on one of the plush couches, slight smile on her face, chatting up with some friends of her own in another language. They would laugh every now and then, no doubt sharing stories of missions that they were last on. Several had various weapons pulled out, comparing and contrasting which worked better judging by the 'demonstrations' given to several of the couch pillows. All looked savage and dangerous in a way that was repelling the other partygoers, which was also probably the point. Coulson was almost positive that at least one of Romanoff's guests was on S.H.I.E.L.D.'s most wanted list. It was a good thing he came there as a guest to the party and not as an Agent.

Thor and Tony were over by the bar with about four people who had to have been Asgardian, arranging a drinking contest between the six of them. One of the four, a dark-haired man with a sour look on his face, merely watched the others and refused to participate. Every now and then a partygoer would pass by the bar and stop to talk with Tony, who would make only as much small talk was necessary before sending them on their way. Lt. Colonel Rhodes had arrived to the party about five minutes before Agent Coulson did and was still trying to make his way over to his friend. Agent Coulson didn't know where Pepper Potts was for all of this, but she was no doubt promoting Stark Industries as she did it. Dr. Foster arrived at the bar holding two different bottles of alcohol up to the group, accepting their cheers as she did so. Thor wrapped her in a hug and presented her to his Asgardian friends with a sweeping flourish of his arm.

Steve had a whole corner of the room to himself, surrounded by army personnel of some kind, all of varying ages. A pretty blonde woman that Coulson recognized as the waitress from the café down the street sat in the corner as well, just as attentively listening to Steve's war stories as the soldiers around them. From the melancholic look on his face, the good Captain must have been talking about his old friend and companion James 'Bucky' Barnes, who was lost in the mountains back during the forties. From what Coulson could remember about the report that he looked up and researched about, Sergeant Barnes' body was never recovered, much like the Captain's. He wanted to get an opinion on that, though he wasn't quite sure how to ask. Coulson unconsciously made the decision to head towards that particular corner as well, when he was stopped by Dr. Banner.

Dr. Banner's eyes were wide with anxiety and a steady strum of energy and stress seemed to move through his body. His eyes were just the barest hint of green, and were silently pleading for help. "Agent Coulson, thank god you're here!" Dr. Banner's voice was just as stressed as the rest of his body. "I didn't know there would be this many people here. Did you know there would be this many people here? Are there even this many people in _Manhattan_?"

"Calm yourself, Dr. Banner." Coulson stared at him pointedly. Tony Stark may have loved to push his friend's anger buttons every now and then, but even he would agree that it would be a bad idea for the Hulk to come out at a party like this. Especially since this party would no doubt generate good press for the Avengers. "If this party is too much for you, why not retreat to your lab? Surely Stark would allow that. Or has the party invaded there as well?" Coulson asked with a raised eyebrow.

Dr. Banner looked miserable. "I've been banned from the lab for the party," he replied. "Tony said he didn't want me 'moping around just because Ross is poking his head in where it doesn't belong'." Coulson nodded. He could see Tony pulling something like that, at least to try and make his friend feel better.

"Has General Ross been making any more trouble since the last time?"

Dr. Banner shook his head and shrugged. "If he has, no one's told me about it. They probably figured that I would try to run off if I did find out."

"Well, considering JARVIS found out that you had packed your bags and already ordered a boat ticket for China, I can understand where they're coming from." Dr. Banner had the grace to appear embarrassed, though he did smile wryly. He didn't have time to answer, though, when Tony Stark himself somehow materialized next to them. Coulson had to hand it to him; the billionaire really knew how to move through the party scene.

"Bruce-y, you have some 'splainin' to do," Tony said with mock sternness. Dr. Banner held his hands up in surrender.

"I swear; I'm not trying to escape the party."

"Good," Tony said evenly. He grabbed the doctor by his arm and started pulling him further into the room. They were heading towards where the bar, Thor, Lt. Colonel Rhodes, and the others were. "Because I have some wonderful people who would love to talk with you. Just think, they know alien science. Don't you want to learn alien science? I know I do. And all you have to do is maybe Hulk out a little so they can arm wrestle the Other Guy. Fun, no?" If Dr. Banner had any protests at all, Coulson couldn't hear them. Their voices were lost in the swell of noise coming from the party.

Which reminded the agent. He was still loitering by the elevators, when he really wanted to head over to the discussion around Captain America. Steve, though, seemed to have moved somewhere in the brief moment that Coulson spent talking to Dr. Banner and Tony Stark. In fact, everyone had moved. Romanoff and her 'friends' had disappeared, replaced by what looked like a herd of college students. Ms. Lewis and her volunteers had also disappeared, along with about half of the decorations that could be moved. Tony, Dr. Banner, Thor, Dr. Foster and the Asgardians were still over by the bar but looked like they would be moving outside to the balcony soon enough.

Agent Coulson knew he would hate himself in about half an hour if he didn't check up on the rest of the Avengers. Steve wasn't likely to get up to any trouble, but Barton and Romanoff separate or together were likely to do some kind of damage. And, if Coulson wanted to cover all of his bases, then he had to assume that Tony was behind it somehow.

Because Tony Stark always knew what went on in his tower, whether he was 'preoccupied' with a party or not. Figuring that it was probably best to go ahead and figure out where the problem children were, Coulson managed to make his way towards the relatively empty kitchen. The music wasn't quite as loud in here, and the guests entered and exited quickly after grabbing what food and drink supplies they wanted. There was a pile of plastic cups stacked up in various shapes such as the 'traditional' red cup pyramid and what looked like a surprisingly accurate model of the empire state building made entirely out of plastic cups, a pair of chopsticks, and what could have been pudding holding the entire thing together. Coulson walked over to one of the wall control panels and attempted to contact JARVIS.

"_Yes, Agent Coulson?_"

"Good evening, JARVIS. I was wondering if you knew where each of the Avengers are in all of this chaos."

"_Of course, sir. Agent Barton, I believe, is currently in the air duct system leading a raiding party to the pantry where, and I quote, 'all of the best booze and snacks are'. Agent Romanoff is on the roof leading a martial arts/self-defense class with quite a few of her guests and others in attendance, including Ms. Lewis. Captain Rogers is with a group of veterans on one of the lower floors leading them in what appears to be a rousing chorus of '(I've Got A Gal In) Kalamazoo'. Sir is with Thor and Doctors Banner and Foster on the balcony along with Thor's guests and others. I believe Dr. Foster is attempting to teach them about her theory of the Einstein-Rosenberg Bridge with the Asgardians putting forth their own input and interpretation. Dr. Banner has attempted to make his escape five times now, but Sir won't let him."_ Coulson held back a wince, knowing how awkward the poor scientist was no doubt feeling. But at least it wasn't as bad as he feared it would be. Everyone seemed to be behaving themselves well enough, even if Romanoff decided that the roof would be a better place to teach self-defense than the actual Avengers gym would be. Maybe the gym was currently occupied. And Tony had yet to break out the Iron Man suits, so everything seemed to be going okay.

Which was exactly why Agent Coulson knew something had to be wrong.

"JARVIS, would you mind telling me where Pepper and the Lt. Colonel are?"

"_Ms. Potts and Lt. Colonel Rhodes are currently attempting to stop a group of guests from entering the off-limits lab section to retrieve and set off a series of fireworks apparently on Sir's orders. Sir claims no knowledge of such a thing, and has warned Dummy, You, and Butterfingers to 'man the lab' as it were._"

Coulson accepted this. Tony would have wanted to be part of the fireworks rather than send someone else to get them, especially since this concerned his private and confidential labs. Even Coulson wasn't allowed in those unless he hacked the system first to let him in. More than likely, and what Pepper and the Lt. Colonel were also likely thinking, these 'guests' were corporate spies from Hammer Industries. This could be the uneasy feeling that Coulson was getting, but he still felt like the other boot was going to drop soon. General Ross and his group had yet to show, though it would be a small mercy if they didn't. Either way, Coulson probably should help Pepper out with the Hammer spies.

Around ten minutes later, Coulson was in the elevator as it took him down a few more levels to where the laboratories were. Frowning, he realized that the elevator was actually going down further, all the way to the first floor lobby. He tried contacting JARVIS but the AI's reply was basically static and white noise. Coulson looked up when the elevator doors opened to the sight of several large, masked and armed men with their weapons drawn at him.

Sometimes, Coulson wished that this was a first for him.

Keeping his mild expression on his face, Coulson raised his arms to show he wasn't armed—or rather, that he didn't have a weapon in either hand. "Can I help you gentlemen?"

"Yeah," one of the armed men said, presumably the leader. It was hard to tell since they all had ski masks on. How cliché. "You can just stand there like a good little hostage and be our meat-shield if things get a little too hairy. I heard the guy we're after is a real softy, so it probably won't come to that."

Ah, so these were the men General Ross sent in. Coulson was wondering if they'd come. Of course they would attack at the same time as the party. They were probably hoping to use the civilians as a deterrent for the Avengers.

It was a shame. 'Civilians' along with 'Red Skull' and 'HYDRA' happened to be one of the Captain's trigger words. He and the rest of his little team of misfits would just get pissed off. They weren't likely to let any of the guests come to harm, nor would they give up Dr. Banner. Coulson, for his part, wondered idly what they would do when they saw he was 'captured'. It took some effort to stop a smile from flitting on his face. Any ordinary hostage wouldn't be smiling in this sort of situation.

"Sure thing. Just make sure you take my weapons from me; I'd hate to have one of them discharge while we were in the elevator together." He was sure that the looks the masked men were giving each other would have been priceless. One of the designated men came forward slowly and started patting him down. Coulson could only see their eyes through the masks, but from what he could see the man's eyes widened comically as he found gun after knife after taser on him. The group of armed men eyed Coulson warily, seemingly unsure what to do with him. It was just as well; Coulson thrived off of the anonymity that he projected on himself. He was a little bit, however, annoyed that they weren't better at patting him down. The man from before didn't even find half of his weapons. If the man had worked for S.H.I.E.L.D., he would have been sent back to basic training immediately. Most likely to be taught by a very pissed off Romanoff and Barton.

Soon enough, Coulson was shuffled into the elevator. He was positioned to stand directly in front of the elevator doors with the armed men behind him. The barrel of a gun pressed firmly to the back of his head. It took all of Coulson's training to stop himself from disarming the man and taking out the rest. It would be better to solve things in an open environment such as Tony's living room rather than the elevator, even if the living room was currently stuffed to beyond capacity. The main armed man nudged him with the gun.

"Press the button," he demanded. "Take us directly to the beast." Coulson bristled momentarily, but hid it well. If anyone could actually call Dr. Banner a 'beast', then they clearly didn't know the man. If Phil Coulson was a petty man, he would currently be thinking that he was looking forward to what was going to happen to these men. But, Phil Coulson was not a petty man and simply pressed the button in the elevator that would be taking them to the main party. JARVIS would have realized by now that something bad had happened and would have informed Tony and the rest of the Avengers about Coulson getting held up in the elevator as well as the hacking attempts made against the Tower itself. He could only wait as the elevator took him up through the building slowly.

At last, the elevator reached the correct floor. The doors slid open and Coulson realized the first clue that he was going to be 'saved'. The music was turned off and the room was silent. A few of the flashing lights that had been put up for the party were still working, giving the room a very disjointed feeling. As Coulson had expected, all of the civilians had been moved to the back of the room where Ms. Lewis and Dr. Foster kept them back away from the elevators. From what he could see, Ms. Lewis and quite a few others had their phones out and were no doubt recording this. Coulson made a mental note to have S.H.I.E.L.D. delete the videos or at the very least edit out any parts that had him in it. He was supposed to be dead after all.

The head armed man pushed Coulson out in front of him, eyes darting out and taking in the surrounding people who all had their weapons pointed at their small group. Thor and his friends had their archaic (compared to most 'Midgardian' standards) weapons out and were brandishing some very convincing battle expressions. Tony was already in his Iron Man suit, and Lt. Colonel Rhodes was sporting the War Machine suit as well. Captain America stood at the front with his shield poised the exact same way Coulson's Captain America: Version Defense card was along with several veterans who also had their weapons pointed at the group. Steve's expression clearly said that he was not happy with the current situation. Coulson may have detected a slight increase in heart rate from the armed men; they must have recognized some of their superiors from the group and knew what would happen to them for this. Romanoff stood to the side with her friends, none of whom had weapons out for once the entire evening, but all looking extremely dangerous and poised to move into action. Barton was currently perched on top of the bar at the edge of the room but with a clear shot that could take out the man standing directly behind Coulson. Dr. Banner, the reason for the tense situation in the room, seemed to have been shuffled to the back of the room where the rest of the guests currently were. Dr. Foster and Pepper were murmuring something to him in calming voices, but it didn't seem to help the stricken look on his face. Coulson determined to keep his mild expression; he didn't want the brilliant scientist to feel guilty over something he clearly had no control over.

"What's up, Agent?" Tony asked nonchalantly. "I thought you were leaving early, and then you come back with uninvited guests? I know your invitation said to come alone."

Coulson allowed himself a brief smile. "Oh, you know. Things happen." With that, he reached behind himself, grabbed the head armed man's arm and took his weapon before the others had a chance to realize what was going on. Coulson calmly stepped to the side so that the group of men felt the full brunt of the room's gaze upon them. "Are all of your parties this lively, Mr. Stark?"

Tony snorted. "Not as often as they used to be. So, who wants to return these party crashers to General Ross?"

What followed next was a fierce argument where everyone in the room, including quite a few of the normal guests and Ms. Lewis, all insisting that they had the most right of anyone to beat these guys to a pulp. The men in question most likely started re-evaluating their career choices. And Coulson managed to finally snag a drink from the kitchen while no one was looking. All in all, it was one of the better parties that he had been to.


	12. Declaration of War

_Here's the newest chapter. Sorry it's a little late, but hopefully it'll make up for the brief absence. This time it's about the 'aftermath' of the party. Hope you like it!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the forms you see in this story. They belong to the __**Formal Notices: From The Bureau of Communication**__ by __**Joshua and David Keay**__. Actually, I don't even own the book that I'm getting these from; that belongs to my sister, who is letting me use it for our own amusement /smiley face. I also don't own __**The Avengers**__, who of course belong to __**Marvel**__. I think that's it._

_Warning: Obviously, the original formatting of these forms won't hold up in Fanfiction dot Net court, so I've tried my best to make it understandable. Since the forms are fill-in-the-blank originally, any part that is __underlined__ is something that was 'filled in' by the character or characters mentioned. Anything that is __**bolded and underlined**__ is one of the options chosen by the person or persons filling out the form when applicable. Anything in (parenthesis) is instructions given by the form for options to choose when filling in the blank. I left these in because they are hilarious._

_Because, after all, S.H.I.E.L.D. is still a bureaucratic organization._

* * *

**IGNORE THIS NOTICE AT YOUR PERIL**  
Having repeatedly warned you of the consequences of trying to steal/kidnap our bestie/teammate/good friend.  
Having suffered the pain of your ignoring our warnings and trying anyway.  
Having exhausted every reasonable measure in dealing with you.  
Having been thwarted in all my attempts to live and let live.  
Having accepted that you are an annoying douchebag.  
Having been insulted by your very existence and continual existence.  
Having put up with you invading our home to harass our family member and involve civilians in your petty conflict.  
and Having seen no change in your behavior:

**IT IS CLEAR THAT THE TIME FOR DIPLOMACY HAS ENDED.  
**THEREFORE THROUGH THIS OFFICIAL NOTICE

_I FORMALLY  
__**DECLARE  
**__**WAR**_

Although it is true that my warmongering may be  
constrained by my natural and ample wells of  
compassion and moderation, a deeply rooted habit of  
chivalrous conduct, and a persnickety obedience to the  
minute strictures of international law, Let it be publically and  
privately known that despite my compunctions, I still intend to  
embark vigorously, without delay, and with single minded focus to:

**GRIND YOUR ****BONES AND REPUTATION**** INTO ****DUST**** AND  
SMASH YOUR ****BANK ACCOUNT**** AGAINST ****THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE**** AND  
WIPE THAT ****FACE**** OFF YOUR FACE FOREVER.**

Without your timely capitulation I will have no choice but to lay waste to your  
business and personal affairs, to confound all your enterprises and relationships, and to  
take great enjoyment in destroying and despoiling the things you love the most.

For your sake, therefore, I advise you to render your complete and abject submission to me,  
including pathetic and profuse pleas for mercy, and begging me to slake my righteous anger.  
Additionally, you would be well advised to make a peace offering of your full and complete resignation from the armed services  
and to perform seppuku (Tony, stop; we're not going to make him kill himself/oh, fine) extortionate amounts of charity before I can express the full measure of my wrath.

**Otherwise, Face Destruction, In Every Sense of the Phrase.**

Thank you for your prompt surrender.

Please refer to the various Geneva Conventions RE: Legally Permissible and Allowed Mayhem and Destruction.

* * *

General Ross hurried down the halls of the Pentagon, snatching every single Form that he could carry. It didn't quite work, however, as the walls were practically plastered in the damned things. It was all he could do to keep his superiors from finding out about them as well as his latest fiasco with the Hulk Buster Unit in New York. It should have been a simple retrieval mission. The playboy billionaire was hosting a party at his tower and the place was swarming with guests. It should have been easy to go in, take a hostage and trade the hostage over for the beast. How was Ross to know that only freaks were in attendance?

Luckily for Ross, though, he had his subordinates combing the building to help take down the fliers. Obviously these 'Avengers' weren't really going to 'declare war' on him. He was a General in the American Army, a hero. The government wouldn't allow such a thing to happen, particularly when the general was doing his job of keeping the country, and even the world, safe from that monster.

But, if there was one thing that General Ross knew it was that image was everything. Somehow the 'Avengers' were public heroes and icons. Even the great Captain America was a part of them. It would look bad for him if the general public, and his superiors, found out that these so-called 'heroes' had 'declared war' on him. Image was everything.

This was part of the reason why Ross couldn't understand how a great hero like Captain America could even side with that thing. Obviously he must be misguided; he and Ross were on the same side, after all. They were both fighting for the freedom and safety of their great country, and to do that Ross had to take out America's greatest threat. As America's Captain, surely he could understand that, right?

With his arms stuffed full of the stupid Form, General Ross swept into his office with a great sigh. It took some time out of his schedule, but he was sure that he had taken down all of those things. He was just starting to feel good about himself when he turned fully towards his desk and saw his direct supervisor sitting in his chair.

"Sir," General Ross gulped. He dropped the Forms that were still in his hands, letting them flutter to the floor. He wet his lips nervously, eyes darting around the room. "Wh-what are you doing here?"

His boss stared at him sternly before pointing the remote to Ross's television on the wall and turning to the local news station.

"_-not much is known currently about how General Ross is responding to the Declaration of War from the Avengers and the army is refusing to comment. Sources say that the decorated general attacked a private party held at Avengers Tower in celebration of opening a new food shelter for the poor-"_ His boss clicked the television off, glaring at Ross. Ross spluttered, not believing what he was hearing.

"That's all a lie!" he protested. "There was nothing about 'food shelters' or anything like that going on at that party!"

"It doesn't really matter," his boss finally said, standing up and pushing away from the desk. "Stark Industry's CEO has released a statement saying that they were, and all of the paperwork is in order so it's really your word against theirs. But that's not what I'm here about. I'm here because you sent in a team to infiltrate and attack a private residence that you knew full well was filled with civilians. The only ones allowed in this country to do such a thing would be the regular police departments or the FBI and neither would attempt such a thing in the manner that you did!"

"But I-!"

"I'm not done, Ross. You will issue an official apology towards not only the Avengers and the people of New York but also toward Dr. Banner. You will wash your hands of this 'Hulk Buster Unit' and be done with it. Intelligence has decided that he's no longer a threat and will be left alone. Do I make myself clear?"

"But sir!" Ross protested. "You don't know how dangerous he is! Just one slip up-!"

"I said, do I make myself clear?" his boss said in a dangerously soft tone. Ross tensed and grit his teeth, but he knew when to give up.

"Yes, sir."

"Good," his boss said as he walked towards the door. Before he left, he had one thing left to say. "Oh, and Ross? When you issue your apology to the Avengers, I would suggest that you also offer your 'surrender' as well."


	13. Notification of Whereabouts

_Hopefully this is just as funny as the others have been. Again, thank you everyone for the kind reviews, I'm glad that everyone is enjoying my little twisted branch of humor!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the forms you see in this story. They belong to the __**Formal Notices: From The Bureau of Communication**__ by __**Joshua and David Keay**__. Actually, I don't even own the book that I'm getting these from; that belongs to my sister, who is letting me use it for our own amusement /smiley face. I also don't own __**The Avengers**__, who of course belong to __**Marvel**__. I think that's it._

_Warning: Obviously, the original formatting of these forms won't hold up in Fanfiction dot Net court, so I've tried my best to make it understandable. Since the forms are fill-in-the-blank originally, any part that is __underlined__ is something that was 'filled in' by the character or characters mentioned. Anything that is __**bolded and underlined**__ is one of the options chosen by the person or persons filling out the form when applicable. Anything in (parenthesis) is instructions given by the form for options to choose when filling in the blank. I left these in because they are hilarious._

_Because, after all, S.H.I.E.L.D. is still a bureaucratic organization._

* * *

Clint looked around the cozy little town he found himself in, not for the first time cursing the fact that he didn't know as many languages as Natasha. Admittedly, she probably didn't know the native language here either, but Clint still felt woefully out of the loop. After being dropped off, quite literally, in a foreign country after a mission gone wrong, he was left with only a few alternatives. For sure he had to let the others know where he was. But how to do it? It would be simple enough to steal a phone to use, but Clint really didn't want to try and figure out how to use it if it worked differently than the phones he was used to.

That settled it. When he got back, he was going to train himself better. Maybe not necessarily in the physical arts, but he should damned well be better prepared than this. Of course, it was probably just an aftereffect of the 'treatment' that he had just gone through that was preventing him from accessing certain parts of his memory, but that was no excuse. If he admitted that they had messed with his mind to this extent, then he was going to find himself locked up with the shrink again, he just knew it.

After rummaging through his backpack that he had managed to escape with, Clint came across the perfect thing to let the others know where he was. And, thankfully, since it was a Form Clint could easily get away with the excuse that he just wanted to continue their new 'tradition' of using Forms to communicate with.

No one ever had to find out that he had temporarily forgotten how to use a cell phone. No one.

* * *

FORMAL COMMUNICATION  
**NOTIFICATION OF WHEREABOUTS **  
(For Official Use Only)  
Post Card

Greetings from (Location of Sender) Iceland…I think! I have been here for (Period of Time) three weeks, and I should have written sooner, but (Implausible Excuse) I was captured by rogue agents, tortured, and almost brainwashed before I managed to escape by jumping from the plane I was on. I then spent about a day wandering around before I found a post office that I trust. The weather is (General Description of Climate) a little chilly, but the hot springs aren't so bad, and it is very (Unique Property of Sender's Location) Icelandic here. The locals are quite (Description of Indigenous Peoples) inconspicuous here, but still a little suspicious…mostly because I don't know their language, and the other day I ate a (Food or Insect) dish that I was able to make out was one of their traditional foods. Don't try it covered in (Powder or Liquid) I don't even know what. Basically, I am having a (Candid Statement) paranoid time, though I look forward to (Thing Missed From Home) being able to understand the language so that I know if my life is still threatened or not when/if I return.

(Sentiment) Please save me, your (Title) trapped friend, teammate and asset, (Name of Sender) Clint Barton.

* * *

When Phil Coulson first read through the Form that was dropped innocently on his desk, his first thought wasn't 'good, he's still alive,' 'thank god, I was worried' or even 'why didn't he contact the Avengers first to get him instead of sending a post card through the mail?' No, the only thing that could come to mind as he read and re-read Barton's post card was 'why is he in Iceland?' When they lost contact with Barton, he was at the time on a surveillance and espionage mission in Australia. How he managed to get all the way to Iceland was a mystery, and yet so Barton-esque.

There were a number of things that Coulson wanted to say to his now not-missing asset. Most of those things were rather unbecoming of an Agent of his stature and would involve serious lectures when Barton came back. There were other things that he would want to tell his friend as well. And, being Phil Coulson, Super Agent/Handler extraordinaire, he had written down a list.

What should probably be added to the list would be congratulations on quick thinking in bringing along a Form that would alert S.H.I.E.L.D. and others to his whereabouts. Obviously it was helpful of Barton to let them know not only his whereabouts (even if it is just the country and not anywhere more specific) but also a brief explanation of what had happened to him. But, this just led into a second question. If Barton could get out a message to let the others know what had happened to him, why did he use such a slow method? Frankly, a simple telephone call or an email would have been much quicker than international mail. With Barton's level of skill, it should have been easy enough to secure a phone line or computer access to let him send an encrypted email. If he had decided to contact Tony Stark first, he could have been rescued from Iceland within a matter of hours.

Then again, if he felt he could only safely communicate by international mail then Barton must have thought that the area he was currently in was too dangerous to use the 'normal' communication methods. Then again, it could have just been Barton being Barton.

There was also the possibility that something had happened to Barton during his 'almost brainwashing' sessions that inhibited him from using other means of communication. If so, then Coulson was going to have to schedule him in to see the psychiatrist again. And this time, he was going to make sure that the archer actually _went_ to his sessions.

Perhaps even more important than any of those questions was the one that Coulson could only ask himself; how was he going to break the news to Romanoff? She had been understandably worried when her partner went missing on an assignment, no doubt reliving flashbacks to the Loki invasion. For Barton's safety, he wondered if it would not perhaps be best not to tell her where he was until after he was back in custody safely. Then again, she may turn on Coulson if she found out that he knew where her partner was for a while without telling her first. It was a delicate situation either way, and would take a great deal of tact to see through.

First thing was first, though, and that was that Coulson had a duty to inform not only Director Fury of where his missing agent went but also tell the Avengers that their missing teammate was not only alive but had decided to contact someone else about where he was first.

Coulson was not looking forward to that particular conversation.

But most importantly, Coulson had to wonder; why Iceland?


	14. Formal Introduction

_So…school's started. Yeah. I think you know what that means. On the other hand, here's a new chapter! Complete with an OC who may or may not show up again later! Apologies in advance if Tony's character is a little off. Hopefully he isn't too OOC._

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the forms you see in this story. They belong to the __**Formal Notices: From The Bureau of Communication**__ by __**Joshua and David Keay**__. Actually, I don't even own the book that I'm getting these from; that belongs to my sister, who is letting me use it for our own amusement /smiley face. I also don't own __**The Avengers**__, who of course belong to __**Marvel**__. I think that's it._

_Warning: Obviously, the original formatting of these forms won't hold up in Fanfiction dot Net court, so I've tried my best to make it understandable. Since the forms are fill-in-the-blank originally, any part that is __underlined__ is something that was 'filled in' by the character or characters mentioned. Anything that is __**bolded and underlined**__ is one of the options chosen by the person or persons filling out the form when applicable. Anything in (parenthesis) is instructions given by the form for options to choose when filling in the blank. I left these in because they are hilarious._

_Because, after all, S.H.I.E.L.D. is still a bureaucratic organization._

* * *

BUREAU OF COMMUNICATION (EST. 1860)  
**FORMAL INTRODUCTION** (Form 88-33)  
Replete With Social Niceties

To [X] My Friend [X] My Dearest [_**X**_] The Venerable Avengers,

I wish to present to you my replacement while I work with a mobile team of amateurs Eric Jones, a competent agent by trade, a person whose pleasant work habits  and irreproachable ability to not be phased by anything and follow the express order of Director Fury have emboldened me to bring the two of you together. I have mentioned your name as my most cherished assets. Like you, Eric Jones is living, which leads me to believe that you will find a great deal in common.

At a minimum, you share a mutual friend in myself, and if conversation grows dry, you are welcome to discuss the matter of my explicit orders to try to get along with him and not drive him away. If that proves fruitless, there's always everyone's favorite topic: my former Captain America cards (I'm still not sure why you won't let that die already; the Director's already replaced my old ones and gave me Lola). In the worst case, you can always fall back on a banal conversation about the weather. Or, even if friendship fails to develop, your professional pursuits may be aligned, and you might wish to consider employing him.

Understand that any care shown to him will be regarded as a personal favor to myself. That said, I beg a thousand apologies if my friend in some way reflects poorly on me. Off the record, he can be a bit of a person that does things by the book. In time, you will surely learn to overlook this shortcoming, and one day, you may not even notice it.

Eternally indebted to you,  
Agent Phil Coulson, S.H.I.E.L.D.

Postscript—Entirely aside from the matter at hand, I send my highest regards and most respectful compliments. And send my regards to Eric Jones for me.

Formal Introduction Letter, Prepared By The B.O.C. Washington DC

* * *

Coulson somehow managed to enter the Avengers Tower, waltz into the main common room and leave his little note on the table, and then leave the Tower. All without being noticed by any of the occupants of said Tower.

…Tony was _seriously_ getting tired of the breaches in security. It was bad enough that not only did Ross somehow send in a group of his people to his tower a while ago, but Hammer Industries was even starting to make their move. True, it was a very sloppy move and poorly executed, but those Hammer spies should not have been able to make it into his tower without being noticed. It was a disgrace, as far as Tony was concerned. There were the obvious, and very good, reasons why he was paranoid about people getting in; they could be trying to steal his tech again, and that was just something that Tony found unforgivable.

In fact, he was pretty sure there was a special place in hell just for plagiarists and those who stole others ideas.

But then there were the other reasons why security needed to be beefed up for the Tower. The rest of the Avengers now called it home, and between Thor's inter-dimensional guests and brother, the people who were after Bruce, and the Assassin Twins' own little brand of paranoia, there really was no reason why so many people were getting into his tower unannounced. Tony had had talks with JARVIS, who seemed just as upset as his creator was about the break-ins, but there was only so much they could do. Finally, Tony had Clint and Natasha use their super kung-fu action ninja assassin skills to sneak in and discover weak spots in the security. If Tony knew what was wrong, he could work to fix it. And, so far, things seemed to be going 'okay' for them.

That is, until Agent 'Agent' Coulson decided to waltz right in and trample on any sort of good feeling that Tony had been feeling for his tower. Stalin and Legolas had tried to convince him that it was _Coulson_, and therefore didn't matter because Coulson was like a freaking ninja himself. If anything, it only made the billionaire feel worse. That was formerly a Stark Industries tower, thank you very much. It should have been more than capable of keeping out even those pesky ninjas. But, no. Their very considerate, not-quite-dead '_handler_' just had to trample all over his nice, safe and warm comfortable feelings of security.

It was truly a wonder that Tony even got any sleep at night. It really, really was.

But more than that, Agent Coulson decided to add insult to injury and tell them—_through a freaking note,_ Tony would like to point out—that not only was their handler, and the only person who could really handle the insanity known as the Avengers, leaving he was bringing in some random person that nobody knew about. Seriously, even Stalin and Katniss couldn't even dig any dirt up on the guy. Clint tried to tell them that it was because this 'Evan Jones' person was from a different department than he and Natasha, but that really didn't make Tony feel better. He worked off of knowing all of the variables. If he was missing a variable, then how was he supposed to make an adjustment? Even the world-class top assassins didn't know about this guy. And Tony was supposed to entrust their safety and wellbeing with this complete and total stranger?

It didn't matter that Coulson had apparently 'vetted' the guy. Tony didn't know him, so he didn't trust him. S.H.I.E.L.D. had to have known that this was a bad idea, but they went with it anyway. And where was their handler, and maybe sometimes friend, going during the interim? To go off and frolic with some _other_ team that wasn't the Avengers. Tony wasn't jealous. Even the rest of the team wasn't jealous. But seriously, they couldn't get someone else in to deal with some little newbie group?

"Oh come on," Steve told Tony. "It's not going to be that bad to have someone different around for a while. I'm sure their just using Coulson to get this new group into shape, and then he'll be back with us again."

"Oh, sure, that's easy for you to say, Cap," Tony snapped at him. He refused to think that he looked anything less than a competent, mature adult. Certainly not the whiny, spoiled child that Natasha kept calling him. Traitor. He thought that she and Clint would have been on his side. "Both you and the new guy have a thing for following orders. That's all well and good for you, the soldier, but the rest of us prefer to think with our own minds. Take your groupthink and shove it."

Bruce rolled his eyes, barely looking up from the scientific journal that he just ordered and was finally getting the chance to read. "Do you have to bring up _1984_?"

"Yes!"

Thor frowned. "What does a date have to do with the topic at hand? Did something happen then?"

"It's a book, big guy," Clint answered. "Tony's just being melodramatic."

"Ah, yes," Thor nodded sagely. "I recognized the signs. Loki gets the same way whenever he tries to convince myself and my warrior friends back on Asgard that he's right and the rest of us are wrong. True, he was usually talking about how we shouldn't go off and fight on other worlds, but I think the same applies here, does it not?"

"Very astute observation," Natasha agreed. Tony glared at her.

"How are you and feather-brain over there not on my side? I thought you of all people would have been upset at some intruder coming into our home, especially if he's replacing Coulson."

Clint and Natasha shared looks, smiles on their faces. "We developed a system," Clint said. "This isn't the first time that S.H.I.E.L.D.'s given me or Tasha a new handler. Usually those times were because they thought we were all getting too 'attached', but we held out."

"Mostly because Coulson told us not to kill the new handler," Natasha put in. "Apparently, that wouldn't get us our old handler back."

"So what we'd do is we'd give the new guy a…trial period, you could say," Clint continued. "If the handler's competent, great. He may be useful. But, if he's an idiot and tries to get us killed, then _we_ get to call the shots." The two assassins smirked sadistically at that. Bruce slowly lifted his line of sight from his scientific journal towards his two teammates and just as slowly lowered them back. He obviously wanted to stay out of that one, though The Other Guy seemed to agree with them on proper temporary handler care. Steve just shook his head and walked towards the elevator. A good workout seemed like just the thing right now. Thor, surprisingly, chuckled with an interested gleam in his eye. As an Asgardian warrior, and a prince, he could appreciate testing for one's true strength, particularly if they were going to be a leader of men.

Tony, on the other hand, thought that this just might not be a painful trial period. The ideas he was getting for 'tests' were endless…

The poor newbie didn't know what he was getting into.


	15. Unscheduled Impairment

_So. School's going to kick my ass. As a result, this chapter is a little blah. Please keep patience with me…_

_And so, we travel back in time again. Yeah._

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the forms you see in this story. They belong to the __**Formal Notices: From The Bureau of Communication**__ by __**Joshua and David Keay**__. Actually, I don't even own the book that I'm getting these from; that belongs to my sister, who is letting me use it for our own amusement /smiley face. I also don't own __**The Avengers**__, who of course belong to __**Marvel**__. I think that's it._

_Warning: Obviously, the original formatting of these forms won't hold up in Fanfiction dot Net court, so I've tried my best to make it understandable. Since the forms are fill-in-the-blank originally, any part that is __underlined__ is something that was 'filled in' by the character or characters mentioned. Anything that is __**bolded and underlined**__ is one of the options chosen by the person or persons filling out the form when applicable. Anything in (parenthesis) is instructions given by the form for options to choose when filling in the blank. I left these in because they are hilarious._

_Because, after all, S.H.I.E.L.D. is still a bureaucratic organization._

* * *

OFFICIAL NOTICE  
**UNSCHEDULED IMPAIRMENT** (Form UW-77)  
Statement:

To: (Name of Recipient) The Avengers From: (Name of Sender) Agent Phil Coulson

Please be aware that I have recently been forced to confront the sudden loss of (Valued Thing or Relationship) my Captain America cards. As a result, I have become (Present State of Affect) despondent and unable to (Everyday Activity) complete my duties as your handler to the best of my abilities. I apologize in advance for any (Unfortunate Side Effects) demoralization that may occur to which you may be subjected. Be assured that in light of past issues with (Regrettable Behavior) there are no past issues. Director Fury crossed a line when he destroyed my cards and traumatized the greatest hero this country has ever had (along with Tony Stark), I will make every effort to (Stated Goal) make Fury replace my cards with new ones and have asked (Person or Agency) Barton and Romanoff for (Intervention) help with my plans. While in the past, you may not have understood my (Feeling) ardent attachment for (What Is Gone) my Captain America cards, I hope you will share the burden of (Bad Thing) avenging my cards with me as I move though this (Description) difficult transition.

_Filing Date__: REDACTED_

_The Cause of My Misfortune Is__:  
Unknowable—Incomprehensible—Obvious  
X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-__**X**_

_I Fear Loss of__:  
__**Appetite**__  
Income  
__**Balance  
Direction  
Restraint**__  
Memory  
Libido  
Hair_

_I May Require__:  
__**Forbearance  
Tolerance**__  
Forgiveness  
__**An Ambulance  
Fresh Sea Air**__  
__Clean Sheets__  
__**Painkillers**__  
Cash_

_In Return I Can Humbly Offer__:  
__**Eternal Gratitude**__  
Some of the Money I Owe You  
Donation of a Kidney or Cornea_

_Special Requests__:  
Thank You For Your Consideration_

_By the way, I'm not dead. Thought I should let you know._

* * *

After getting a warning from Barton and Romanoff that he was technically still considered 'dead' to the world at large, including the very people that he was supposed to be a handler to, Phil Coulson decided that he had to do something about it. Unfortunately, he was still being forced to stay at S.H.I.E.L.D. for 'observation' or something like that. Really, the reasons didn't matter. Director Fury had a job to do, and that included letting the world think that one of his top agents, his 'eye', was dead. This was of course to fool those who would take advantage of his death as well as take enemies unawares.

However, it also had the added consequence of making some of the people that Phil Coulson, somehow, considered to be the ones closest to him think that he was still dead. And this was unacceptable. Even worse than this, Director Fury destroyed Agent Coulson's prized Captain America cards to do so. Barton and Romanoff were thankfully the ones who let him know. If it was anyone else, he may have done something unfortunate, such as take out his anger on them. With Barton and Romanoff, though, Coulson knew that they had his best interests at heart. Even more than being his assets, they were his friends. It was why he was so pleased when he found out that they had an idea to help him get his revenge against the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D.

First step, of course, was to let the Avengers know that not only was he alive, but that it was also Fury's fault that they thought he was dead for so long. It was Coulson's idea in the first place to make them think he was dead; they needed something to rally around, to 'avenge'. There was no excuse for why it took him this long to let their best team know that their handler was still alive. It was up to Coulson to take matters into his own hands. He was sure that the others would have good ideas for revenge.

First, though, the Avengers would have to forgive him for letting them know his fate through a Form.

* * *

Tony stared at the note. He, Steve, Bruce and Thor were gathered in the Tower and had just found the 'Form' that had been sent through the mail for them. According to JARVIS, they had been sitting there, staring at the Form, for fifteen minutes now. The arm of the couch that Steve was sitting next to had crumbled under his clenched fist. It was just as well. Tony had been begging Pepper to let him get new couches for a month now. The captain's mouth was tight with controlled anger and indignation. Tony understood that. He also didn't like being played with to fit the machinations of others. He was not a toy, and he did not appreciate being lied to.

Enough people had lied to Tony throughout his life. He hated that it was still happening even into his adult life.

Thor, for his part, just seemed confused but also relieved. He was confused that someone would convince their own people that someone close to them was dead. What was the point to it? Where was the honor? There was no need for such petty tricks. If they were true warriors then they should have been able to fight regardless. On the other hand, even Thor had to admit that Loki had gotten to them at that time. Perhaps the only way to bring everyone together for a common goal was to give them something to fight for. Then there was the fact that he was quite relieved that his brother's crimes were not as bad as he feared. Yes, his brother had murdered many in cold blood, but at least this was one less death to play on his consciousness. And, it had to be said, the Son of Coul managed to protect Jane Foster throughout the whole ordeal. He would forever owe the agent a great debt.

Bruce, in contrast with the rest of the room, seemed almost giddy. He hadn't been that close with Coulson before his (apparent) 'death' but he was still glad that the agent wasn't actually dead. Because of his past with The Other Guy, Bruce was always sensitive to senseless death; to find out that someone didn't end up dying needlessly and in a fit of violence was a breath of fresh air.

Tony, unsurprisingly, was the first to break the silence. "So. Does anyone have any objections to having me plan out the revenge?"

"Nope."

"None."

"Can't say that I do."

"Good." Tony narrowed his eyes at the Form. One; it had to be the greatest thing since Einstein's Theory of Relativity—or, in laymen's terms, sliced bread. Two; the Form was giving Tony the perfect idea for a revenge plot that included copious amounts of passive-aggressiveness as well as continued uses of these 'Forms'…

Oh yes…he had a feeling they would come in handy…


End file.
